When it comes to dating, there are seemingly whole lists of unwritten rules. If you’ve been put at a disadvantage socially because of a sheltered upbringing or pathological shyness, it may seem like a code that’s impossible to decipher.
When we don’t know the rules, we’re bound to make mistakes. That’s just human. We shouldn’t be dissuaded from continuing a pursuit just because we make a mistake. If only you knew of these mistakes beforehand, so that you knew what to avoid, you could get at least get a head start. That’s where I come in. I’ve been teaching men for over ten years how to meet, date, and maintain a relationship with the woman of their dreams.
So what are the top ten dating mistakes to avoid? And how can you correct these mistakes? Let’s take a look.
Top Ten Dating and Relationship Mistakes
1. Not speaking to her in the first place
This one may seem obvious. If you never even go over to her in the first place, of course the relationship is never going to happen, let alone getting a first date.
When faced with a big opportunity, its easy to get stuck in our heads. We start overthinking. What if?
What if she tells me to fuck off?
What if it’s awkward?
What if she rejects me?
Do these questions sound familiar? Thoughts race inside your head. You get the sweats and that tight feeling in your stomach. They get the better of you and you get paralysed in place. One more drink, or one more minute, you tell yourself, and before you know it, your date has walked off, never to be seen again.
So why does this dating mistake happen?
Evolutionarily, this response came in to play when faced with something potentially dangerous – a mammoth, sabre-tooth cat or rival human clan. But a woman poses you no danger. This response is an evolutionary anachronism. Day to day, we don’t really need it anymore.
Where does this fear come from?
Well humans are only born with two innate fears; the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Which means all these other fears are learnt behaviour. This could have come from previous bad experiences first hand, making mistakes and resulting in negative reference points, or even just negative influence from external influences such as your friend group, family, or the media.
What can you do on the next date?
The good thing is that within the dating game, there’s a name for this feeling; approach anxiety. That also means that there are methods of getting over it. One simple trick I teach my students comes in the form of reframing. Next time you feel this, don’t tell yourself you’re feeling approach anxiety, but approach excitement. You’ll immediately start to feel more positive about it.
Instead of trying to manage and supress this excess energy, harness it and put it to use.
Just do it! When you catch yourself overthinking, silence those thoughts. Look into meditation techniques in order to find peace of mind. Once you start talking, your innate social intuition will take over. Even if it’s just to ask her the time or for directions. Well done! That’s one step further to achieving your goal. Next time will be easier.
You will also have created a positive reference point. The more you create, the less anxiety you’ll feel in response to the idea of making mistakes when talking to a woman.
2. Not Being Clear in Your Intentions
So you’ve harnessed your approach excitement and started talking to her. You have a pleasant chat and then both walk away to enjoy the rest of your day. That’s totally fine, and if you’re at that stage that that’s a win for you, good on you.
But once we’ve got past that stage, we need to look at the next mistake people make in dating.
She could be the gorgeous woman that you’ve struck up conversation with at the bar, your next date, the cute girl who’s making conversation at the bus stop, or even a best friend you’ve started to develop feelings for. If you don’t make your intentions clear, you’ll only ever be friends and never start dating.
You could have been having a heart to heart with this woman for the whole night, or been close friends for years, offering her an ear and a shoulder whenever she needed it.
That doesn’t mean you should be surprised when you randomly go for the kiss and she’s doesn’t reciprocate.
Women don’t owe you anything.
Think about it from her point of view. You’ve finally found a guy who speaks to you not because he wants to sleep with you but because he wants to talk to you as a human being. Then all that is shown to be a lie when he tries to sleep with you, expecting it all along.
At least those who make their intentions clear early on are being honest.
What can you do on the next date?
Start with a compliment
Open the interaction with something like,
“Hey, I just saw you from over there and thought you’re so beautiful if I don’t at least say hi there must be something wrong with me.”
Whatever the compliment, make it honest. That’s the point. You make it clear you initially wanted to date her because of her physical attraction. You can then move on to other topics to find out what kind of person she is.
If she rejects you right there and then, she’s just saved you both some valuable dating time. Be grateful.
The point is, you’re being honest from the beginning so when you ask for a number, she already knew it was on the cards.
3. Flirting badly
Repeating cheesy one liners you read off a buzzfeed article doesn’t tend to do much in the way of inspiring sexual aroussal.
What’ll it be? A mojito? Surely a girl as sweet as you doesn’t need any more sugar!
Have we met? Because you look exactly like my next girlfriend.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past again?
Women hear this kind of stuff all the time, whether on a date or out in the wild. The point is to stand out from the crowd and make the woman feel special.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
Sometimes in the moment that approach excitement gets the better of you and you forget every word you’ve ever known. Rather than stand there like a lemon trying to think of something witty, you recite a line you’ve already remembered. It saves us from silence, which can be deafening in a dating interaction.
Other times, we don’t see the cues that a woman gives us. Speaking fluent body language is a tough skill to master. It can be hard to spot when a woman wants us and when she’s actually just looking for a way to leave the date.
What can you do on the next date?
If you’ve memorised a line, you’ve already gone wrong. Instead, go in with the right kind of thing to say.
Flirting is another medium in which to show your confidence. Studies have shown that bigger, confident physical gestures generally make men more attractive. Spread yourself as much as is acceptable in the space and show how comfortable you are.
In terms of flirtacious banter, cheesiness is a no-go and requires a hell of a lot of confidence to pull off. If it sounds rehearsed, it just tells your date you speak like that to all the women. Keep it subtle, light and natural, keeping an eye on her body language and expressions and match it to her level of interest.
Use eye contact to build tension.
It should be like a social snowball, slowly building in tension with each response. These responses should be two-way, like a game of tennis. Don’t do too much of the talking…
4. Talking too much about yourself
There are a lot of unwritten rules about conversations on dates and I’ve talked about other specific mistakes we make before. Whether it’s because we want to impress our date, can’t think of any questions to ask them, or just can’t contain our energy, sometimes we can end up dominating the conversation.
Think about this from her point of view. It doesn’t matter how interesting you think the topic is, if the conversation is one-sided, it’s boring. A lecture is no way to build a connection between two people. It can seem arrogant.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
Our old friend anxiety. Silence can be a time for reflection and introspectively. But in conversation, silence can be deafening. In fact, a pause of more than 4 seconds is enough to elicit the fear response.
What can you do on the next date?
Be comfortable with pauses. You can even count the duration. Leave space for the other person to respond. If you get to 5, then you can continue with a follow up question or change the topic entirely.
Use open questions, which are designed to get a proper response out of the recipient. For example, instead of asking,
Do you like coffee?
You can ask,
Are you a coffee or a tea kinda woman?
Or even better, you can make playful assumptions to really get the conversation going;
Let me guess what you’re having. You look like an iced latte kinda girl to me.
Even if you’re completely wrong, it doesn’t matter. You’ve moved the conversation and the date forward. As a bonus you also avoid turning the interaction into an interrogation.
5. Misreading cues
This is a big one. It can be hard to pick up on subtle social cues made by a woman’s face, body and voice. Communication is not just about the words you say.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
People like to make a lot of internal assumptions, which can be dangerous on a date. It can come from arrogance, ignorance, or innocence. A lot of people reaching dating age now grew up on social media and internet interactions, which has a profound effect on social competence.
Sometimes we go into a date or interaction assuming they’ll find us attractive. While this can help with confidence, if you instead don’t care whether they find you attractive or not, you’ll actually emanate a much more attractive kind of confidence.
What can you do on the next date?
Look for the common signs that she actually likes you. Over time you’ll get to read and interpret these cues correctly. Body language can tell you everything you need to know before she’s even opened her mouth.
An open posture tells you she’s receptive to approach and to conversation. .
Eye contact and direction can tell you a lot. If she’s looking to the lower left (from your perspective) she may be thinking about touching or getting sexual. If her eyes are drifting up towards the left, she may be fabricating a lie. You don’t need me to tell you what she’s thinking about if she’s constantly looking at your lips…
6. Going in for the close too soon
All going well, with successful flirtacious banter and rapport, by the end of the date or interaction you can go for the number or kiss.
So you’ve had a positive interaction, you go for the close, but she rejects you. Why? It’s so important not to go for the kiss until the right moment.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
This usually happens because you’ve misread her body language or other signals and think she’s into you when she’s actually not.
We’re also very goal-focused, especially in dating. If you’ve had a good interaction, flirted well and built rapport, that can be success enough. You don’t have to walk away with something in order to count it as a success.
What can you do on the next date?
You first need to build rapport. This is an artform in itself and requires finding connections, being playful and knowing when to break rapport at the right time.
Build that social snowball and only go for the kiss when you’ve received positive indicators from your date in the form of positive eye contact, open body language and flirtacious responses.
Do everything right, have patience, and don’t be too needy – which brings us to our next point.
7. Being too available
Texting back immediately, showing up at her home unexpected, showing a lot of interest right from the beginning, are all things that women desire while dating, right?
The reality is that if a man does all these things early on in a date, it can be kind of a turn off. Remember, if you’ve just started dating, she doesn’t love you. You have no obligation to each other. She’s still trying to figure out if she even likes you. In these precious stages of a relationship, you have to play it cool.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
The first stages of a relationship are exciting. You want to show her that you’re interested. Especially if we’ve just been told to be clear with our intentions from the beginning from the date. While this is true, it isn’t the whole story.
We may have also heard that women just love dating bastards, but this isn’t exactly true. What they’re attracted to isn’t the asshole behaviour, but the confidence and the space he’s giving the woman.
What can you do on the next date?
There’s a push/pull dynamic in dating we’ve often talked about, but in short, the more you push towards a woman, the more she’ll step back, while the more you pull away, the more she will step towards you. Think of the date like an intricate dance, with the man taking the lead. As you make your journey across the ballroom of love, you have to balance stepping forward and stepping back; or, showing interest and giving her space.
Leave it at least an hour before replying to a text and at least 4 rings before picking up the phone. Don’t appear desperate or needy on the date.
8. Not making time for her
So you’ve done everything right on the first date, secured a second, and now you’re officially in a relationship. Well done! Now don’t fumble the ball. Otherwise an opposing player could take it from you. What follows are the top three most common mistakes men make when finally in a relationship with a woman.
We’ll start with men that never make time for their new woman. They stop replying to their texts , taking the last point to the extreme. They go out with their mates, make time for themselves, but forget about their woman. Date nights dry up, those late night calls stop, and she’s left feeling like a used tissue.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
We often take people for granted. After a hard struggle to get into a relationship, sometimes we relax, thinking the struggle is over. The truth is, getting into a relationship is one struggle, but maintaining it is another.
What can you do on the next date?
If you can make time for your friends, you can make time for your girlfriend. If you really only have one day a week that you’re free, why not bring her along. She’ll feel included and a part of your life, rather than like you’re trying to keep your relationship hidden.
She doesn’t stop being special once she’s become official. In fact, it should be more special. Schedule those date nights and make an effort.
9. Not taking lead in the relationship
Women want a man who can lead, who can challenge them, and who is an intelectual equal. If you’re always delegating decisions in the relationship to her, doing whatever she wants, and never have any opinions of your own, she won’t respect you.
Why does this dating mistake happen?
Us men are sometimes so scared to lose a relationship that we become too agreeable. Very often this can come from trauma from past relationships. Maybe a previous partner was overly reactionary and controlling and now you take that baggage with you.
Some men are just generally unconcerned with where they go on a date or what they have for dinner. It may seem like a trivial thing, but to some people the details are what matter in a relationship. Even if you don’t care, make a choice.
What can you do on the next date?
Do some research about good places to go on dates. Build up a reportoire of date spots and rank them. Keep in mind good and bad points for each. Before your next date, match the woman’s personality to one of the dating places you have in mind. Making these kind of decisions and getting it right will put you in high regard. Don’t wait for her answer, just take the lead.
Confidence is an enigmatic beast. Cultivating a confident personality takes time, but anyone can do it.
Start with your posture. Stand up straight with your shoulders back. Once you look confident, you will feel confident. That’s a good start. Now, stop putting women on a pedestal. If this date fails, that’s okay. There will always be another date, another woman, and another relationship. Once you realise this, and you stop making so much ride on each date, you will find yourself more confident.
Craft for yourself a life in which you’re completely self-sufficient. Independence leads to confidence, and will lead to you making more decisions for yourself. This may involve cutting off ties to toxic relationships, choosing a new career, or in some cases a complete overhaul of your life; how you dress, how you act, where you hang out. These kind of major overhauls are something me and my team specialise in, so get in touch.
10. Being a bad judge of character
So you’ve been doing everything right so far; you’ve moved past the dating stage, entered into a relationship and it’s going well. Then you move in together and everything changes. She reveals her true nature. She starts being controlling, manipulative or abusive.
We’ve all made a bad judgement of character. Ever find yourself coming across the Facebook of an ex and going, “What was I thinking?” It’s so easy to see this with the power of hindset. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve literally been fearful for my life. We end up asking ourselves “How did I get here?”
Why does this dating mistake happen?
We may unconsciously be leaning on the sunk cost fallacy, a term that came around from the investment world. There comes a point where you’ve put so much money into the game that you think, “If I leave now, then all that money will definitely be lost. But if I keep playing, there’s a chance I’ll win it all back and more.” It’s the opposite of quitting while you’re ahead.
Outside of the gambling world, people use it to talk about sticking with a poor decision they’ve made. This is what happens when we end up with a woman who isn’t right for us, but we refuse to admit it and move on.
What can you do on the next date?
Patience, as they say, is a virtue. Don’t rush into a relationship without properly getting to know a woman first.
Before you cross each dating miilestone, such as the first kiss or moving in together, make sure you are absolutely sure of it. Imagine your life together. Be critical and have self-awareness. Ask her about her previous partners and why the relationship ended. Be open and willing to share your own experiences.
No matter how much it seems like it came out of the blue, there will be warning signs. If you wait long enough, she will reveal her true colours.
FAQ’s
Why are mistakes important?
Making mistakes is one of the best ways to learn. If you fucked up a date or a relationship you thought was perfect because you were too pushy, you’re very likely not to make that mistake again. Mistakes have a habit of sticking with you until you’ve learnt your lesson. That’s one of the reasons dating after a rough breakup can be so tough.
Remember the first time you played chess? Neither do I. I’m sure I probably made some rooky moves but that’s the point – I don’t carry that around with me. I don’t remember those mistakes, but I do know how to play chess.
I will never tell you to play it safe. Get out there and take risks. Make mistakes. Learn. We can arm ourselves with as much knowledge as possible beforehand, but ultimately, you’ve just got to go out there and get stuck in.
Are some dating mistakes irreperable?
Let’s strip away the sugar-coating and get real. Dating isn’t a smooth journey where every mistake magically transforms into success. In fact, the bitter truth is that some misjudgments can profoundly impact the trajectory of our future in ways we can scarcely imagine.
Imagine you’ve got in a relationship with a woman you thought was the one, only to find out she was bat-shit crazy. We’ve all been there. We weren’t to know. She becomes threatening, controlling, maybe slowly over time so you don’t see it. Before we know it, 8 years of our life have gone. Is it too late? Is it worth sticking with?
It’s never too late to start dating and find a new romance. The key is acknowledging your mistake, owning it, and moving on. Embracing our flaws and failures is an integral part of personal growth.
So, the next time you find yourself at a crossroads, grappling with the repercussions of a pivotal dating mistake, remember this: not all errors are retrievable. Some decisions carry more weight than we realise, and their impact can reverberate through our dating lives in ways we never anticipated. Embrace the complexity of your dating journey, acknowledge the gravity of your missteps, and forge ahead with newfound wisdom and humility.
Whats the difference between a mistake and an error?
We all do things wrong sometimes. That’s human.
However, you can make a distinction between dating mistakes and dating errors. An error is made when you believe something to be correct, but you were wrong. A mistake is made when you didn’t know what you were supposed to do, or it was an accident. If you had a moment to think about it, you would probably make the right choice.
For example, let’s say you’re texting a new romantic interest you’ve been dating. It’s going well, but the rapport is going so well that you forget to ask her out on another date and the interaction remains friendly. That’s a mistake. So she slowly stops responding because she’s losing interest. You read an article online about how to handle a ghosting partner and you instantly try and turn things sexual with no prior clarity of intention. This is an error. You never hear from her again.
Both are normal and we can learn from both of them. You can arm yourself against them by learning as much as you can through research, but in the end the best dating teacher is experience.
Further Reading
If you’re struggling with dating and relationships, look no further than one of my coaching courses.
I’ve worked with countless men just like you for over a decade, transforming their lives and finding fulfilling relationships – we’ve even had marriages as a direct result of my course!
For those of you looking for personalised coaching sessions, guidance on building confidence, online dating strategies, and a complete restructuring of your lifestyle, then contact us today to learn more about how we can help you achieve your life goals.
Want to read more advice on relationships? Look no further than this section of my blog, and if you want more on a whole host of other topics related to lifestyle and dating, check out the wealth of articles on my website.