Imagine the scene; you’ve just seen the most smoking hot girl you’ve ever seen from the other side of the bar. Long, dark hair, red dress – the whole shabang. Your body instantly reacts and you take action on it. Despite the butterflies in your stomach, you approach.
Your quickly improvised opener makes her smile and the interaction goes well. She comes back to your place. In the sobering light of the next morning, to your surprise, she doesn’t run away screaming. You hit it off and a relationship begins. Having started on the shallow basis of lustful intentions, is this relationship doomed? Does fiery passion burn out quickest? Can lust turn into love?
Understanding lust
In a world that often romanticises love as a fairy tale of eternal passion and harmony, the reality of relationships is far more complex. Lust, often cloaked in societal taboos and stigmas, is a primal and potent force that ignites the flames of desire and attraction. It serves as a catalyst, drawing us towards another individual with an intensity that transcends words and logic.
Giorgios A. Orfandis defined lust as the intense psychological impulse that instinctively leads the human to acquire a desired person, object or position. In a sexual context, lust consists of four components; cognitive, emotional, motivational, and physiological.
Cognitive
Upon seeing stimuli, the brain makes a few calculations as to whether what it’s seeing is sexual or not. This is based on evolutionary instinct but also previous experiences. Let’s take the example of the beautiful woman from the beginning of this article. If you’re a heterosexual male, your brain is evolutionary wired to interpret a beautiful woman as sexual stimuli.
As for exactly what kind of woman you find beautiful, that’s where your previous experiences come in. For example, If you’ve only ever dated blonde women it’s highly likely that you’re more attracted to blondes, in a self-perpetuating cycle. Even rats can have preferences.
Emotional
Sex releases a cocktail of exciting neurotransmitters and hormones such as endorphins and dopamine. We all know this, and so seeing an opportunity to feel this pleasure again arouses our excitement. Put simply, sex feels good. Lust is our body reminding us that.
Motivational
There are certain cerebral processes that recognise the needs of the body and gear it towards satisfying that need. In the case of dehydration, we experience the feeling of thirst, motivating us to seek fluids in order to hydrate ourself. With lust, it’s a similar story; we experience a feeling of discomfort and emptiness that leaves us wanting and unsatisfied until we achieve this goal.
Physiological
Apart from the obvious physiological reaction, lust and arousal affect the human body in various ways. Once the stimuli has been detected as sexual, with the opportunity for sexual gratification, the body undergoes changes. The heart beats faster, breathing quickens, and the pupils dilate.
Lust can consist of a desire for anything but is typically used in this context of physical attraction and sexual arousal. It is an instinctual response driven by biological and psychological factors, compelling individuals towards gratification and fulfilment of their carnal desires. The rush of adrenaline, heightened arousal, and euphoria associated with lust can be exhilarating, capturing individuals in its fervent grip.
But lust operates on a superficial level, focusing predominantly on physical appearance and sexual chemistry while disregarding deeper emotional connections.
It tends to be fleeting and transient, driven primarily by immediate gratification rather than long-term commitment or emotional intimacy. Despite its undeniable intensity, lust alone is not enough. Only a deep connection and understanding can maintain a healthy, meaningful relationship.
Is lust a bad thing? Of course, lust is one of the 7 deadly sins as laid out by St. Gregory the Pope, and is responsible for some of the world’s most heinous evils.
However, it can also lead to amazing experiences. On its own, sexual lust isn’t a problem. It’s a natural feeling that we can all relate to. Even healthy relationships involve moments of intense desire and passion. However, it’s important to notice when constant lust could be a symptom of sexual frustration.
What is Love?
Humans have tried to define love since the beginning of time. Innumerable poets, singers and artists have tried to capture it in countless works of art. Some scientists define it down to a single hormone; oxytocin. Psychologist Dr Zick Rubin claims love consists of three things; attachment, caring and intimacy.
Attachment
People who are attached to each other generally want to spend time together, talk to each other, and see each other as much as possible. It’s hard to leave or to hang up. A loving couple might even spend time in the same room while each doing their own thing, a phenomenon known as parallel play.
When you’re with someone you’re attached to, you feel a sense of calm and comfort, while being away from them might feel stressful. We might feel like there’s something missing.
Caring
If you love someone, you care about their well-being, their safety and their happiness. There are multiple ways of showing this, many of them small but meaningful. Ask them how their day at work went, or how they’re feeling right now. More importantly, you’ve got to actually feel it. You’re not just asking because you have to, but because you genuinely want to know and take an interest in their life.
Are they comfortable? Did they enjoy dinner? What have they got planned for tomorrow? In short, if you don’t care, it’s not love.
In comparison, if it’s just lust you’re feeling, you won’t care about how their day was; you’re only interested in one thing, and you want it to happen now. Once you’re satisfied, it doesn’t matter where they’re off to next. Where lust narrows your focus on the present, love leads to plans in the future.
Intimacy
In contrast with lust, intimacy is not overtly sexual. Intimacy is a sense of closeness. You can be close to your platonic best friend. It refers to a sense of understanding and sharing. For example, you share secrets and know each other in a way that no one else does.
It can also, of course, mean something physical. You spend every moment available together, you cuddle close on the sofa while you watch a film, you hold hands wherever you go. There’s a sense of openness when it comes to intimacy with a loved one. There’s no shame or embarrassment.
From lust to love
The allure of lust is something we are all familiar with, particularly in the tumultuous throes of our youth. It propels us into relationships with a fervour that can be all-consuming, shaping our choices and influencing our perceptions of the world. In the fiery embrace of passion, it is easy to become ensconced in the moment.
However, as time passes and the initial fervour of attraction subsides, we are often confronted with the stark realities of relationships – the need for authentic communication, vulnerability, and resilience in the face of adversity. We realise we had overlooked the deeper nuances of true connection that lie beneath the surface.
Many of us find ourselves lost as we navigate the transition from lust to love. The once intoxicating rush of emotions gives way to a sense of emptiness and confusion, prompting us to reassess our perceptions of intimacy and connection. It’s here that we’re faced with a pivotal choice – to perpetuate the cycle of fleeting romances or to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
The transition from lust to love is not merely a shift in emotions but a profound evolution of the self. It demands introspection, empathy, and a willingness to embrace discomfort in order to cultivate authentic connections grounded in trust and understanding. Love is not a fleeting sentiment but a sustained commitment rooted in intentional actions and unwavering dedication.
But lust can certainly transition into love.
Lust may have been the catalyst for that initial spark, a response to the advertisement, if you will, but human emotion is not static. It’s a fluid spectrum that constantly changes and reacts to stimuli. Neither is it an exclusive system in which there’s only space for one feeling at a time. Lust can overlap with love and vice-versa.
This exciting phase can be known as as the honeymoon period. Excitement is amplified, and you can’t spend more than a little while away from each other. They seem perfect and you love every detail about them. However, this phase is bound to be temporary.
Eventually we will be challenged to confront our deepest fears and insecurities, to navigate the complexities of compromise and forgiveness, and to embrace vulnerability as the obstacles of real life throw themselves in the path of love.
Sometimes these obstacles come from external factors outside of your control, thrust into your lap by the whirlwind of life. Mostly, however, they come from within. Dark secrets or simple reality checks are discovered. The partner wasn’t exactly what you thought they were and you realise you loved an idealised version of them.
You move in together and you realise she eats just way too many eggs. The hair left on the bathroom wall starts to really get your goat. She insists on pre-rinsing plates before they go in the dishwasher even though that means they’re basically already cleaned at that point and you may as well just keep going and wash them in the sink. It could be anything.
We may start to question ourselves and the relationship, but this momentary phase of disillusionment is natural, and happens in every relationship. It even presents us with an opportunity for growth and self-realisation. It serves as a place for shedding old patterns and beliefs, and confronting our demons.
Once this bump in the road to love is overcome, the relationship will be even stronger. We can transcend our limitations, cultivating the empathy and understanding of our partner that is required.
We will emerge as more compassionate, resilient, and whole individuals. It is a period of profound transformation, where we are invited to re-evaluate our perceptions of love and connection and rediscover the essence of our authentic selves.
Love is not a destination but a continuous journey of self-discovery and evolution.
Lust is a completely natural foundation for a relationship, and the two often overlap. If lust is the spark, love is the continuously burning flame.
In essence, the journey from lust to love is a testament to the transformative power of human connection. It is a journey of self-discovery and growth that challenges us to embrace vulnerability, cultivate empathy, and forge meaningful connections based on trust and authenticity. Love is not a static destination but a dynamic and ongoing exploration of the depths of human emotion and connection.
Outro
If all you ever seem to attract is that spark of lust and never seem to be able to get any flames going in your relationships, or if you struggle even to get over that approach anxiety to begin with, look no further than one of my coaching courses.
I’ve worked with countless men just like you for over a decade, transforming their dating lives and finding fulfilling relationships – we’ve even had marriages as a direct result of my course!
For those of you looking for personalised coaching sessions, guidance on building confidence, effective communication strategies, and further insights as to what makes a healthy relationship, then contact us today to learn more about how we can help you achieve your dating and relationship goals.
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